Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Dumbest. Thing. EVER!

I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. That's perhaps an understatement of epic proportions, considering the magnitude of some of said stupidity ("You know what would be fun? Let's climb over the barbed wire fence at the end of the White Rock Pier, and steal a boat!" Not my idea, granted, but I went along with the plan, all the way up to agreeing that no, those police sirens PROBABLY weren't for us, stealing the boat probably wasn't such a good idea, and we should probably go find someplace inside to continue with the rest of the evening's frivolity.) Yesterday, however, was a whole new level of stupid.
What it the way my brain processes stuff sometimes. This kind of stuff actually happens to me!

"I swear to God, if you make me laugh, and I fall off this log, you're a dead man!"*
When we take Willie for a walk, it is rarely not a full contact sport in one way or another. Having grown up with an enormous forest a mere block from home, Willie spent the first five years never having to take a crap in his own back yard. Brings a whole new appreciation for the phrase 'don't s**t where you live, doesn't it?  Since we no longer live near an estuarine ecosystem (whee! neat science-y stuff!) we compromise. We used to go to a large off leash park area with huge fields where he could do his thing and chase rabbits, and smell stuff, and most importantly to me, back up into an enormous thick blackberry bush before..offloading, if you will. However, last summer I nearly lost my left middle finger to a bite from a St Bernard. I'm quite fond of my left middle finger; I use it for one of my favourite gestures. Now, we walk Willie on-leash to a couple of nearby 'urban forests' (subdivisions yet to come) in our neighbourhood. After a brisk 15 or 20 minute walk to one of said areas, we go off road.

There's usually a path of some sorts made by local kids, vagrants, what have you, and since I have the protection of Willie the rottweiler and 'the Mr.', I always feel safe walking through these areas. Slightly less safe after the day the Mr dropped a tree on my head and yesterday's escapades, but nevertheless...
We were out for a walk in a relatively dry area so the walk wouldn't end with a hearty chorus of  "It's Your Turn To Shampoo the Dog's Junk!!" 

Digression/Warning: do NOT read that last sentence while listening to a) 'What About Love?' by Heart; b) 'Don't Look Back' by Boston and/or c) ANYTHING by Journey if you're subject to Earworm.  I probably should have said that sooner, but I couldn't have. It JUST happened to me while I was writing it.  OK. So. We came to a place in the path where there was this ditch, OK? It was quite a deep, wide ditch. That's it glistening beneath me, see? AT LEAST six inches of water over a nice, deep leafy clay forest floor. NEATO! Fortunately for the dog and the Mr, there was also a log. Uh-huh, that's right. That's what I am clinging to, trying not to pee myself because I really need to pee, and trying not to giggle about the absurdity of this situation because if I do, I am going ass-end first into that frigging ditch!

 A LOG. It appears to me, to be about 14 feet long, and about as thick as my calf. That means thick, duh! It's my curse.  According to the Mr., all I need to do is just
    "do what I did...just take one step into the middle of the log and then, just sort of step off onto the other side!" OK; he's extremely long of stride at 6'3", and I'm 5'8", but he had to have taken AT LEAST 3 strides down the log. He probably did, without thinking about it. He's good like that. Unless you happen to be walking too far in front of him where he can't see you, or too far behind you for you to admit you can't get across without his help. See where this is going?

There was no way In Hell I was going to trust that log with my whole weight. Nuh-uh. No way. Wasn't going to attempt it. Not because OMG I'm still so FAT!!  or any balls like that. Nope. Because I'm clumsy. I fall down a lot. A LOT. I bang into doorways/counters/furniture/ in my own home DAILY. So. You can understand why I was not about to try and cross this RIVER in a single step or two, but here's the problem. I really overthought the problem. In my case, that's never a good thing for me. HILARIOUS for those who get to witness it, but...yeah. It probably looks like Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner, except for the Coyote is a goofy yet hot zaftig zany redhead...

I thought: I know! I'll go across it on my hands and knees! Yeah! That's it! Except it's not. Shit. OK. Stay calm. Just focus. The only solution now is...lay down on the log so you can CRAWL across it. 
And now I am clinging to the log, trying not to pee, giggle, drop my camera or  allow myself to roll  into the ditch because regardless of which catastrophe befalls me, I am equally screwed. Some combination of the four seems virtually inevitable, at this point.  

I am clinging to a log, suspended above a ditch, with my digital camera around my neck, and the first thing that came into my head was "If I were watching this s**t on tv, I would be laughing my ass off!" Which made me laugh, because... I manage to get the Mr's attention. He turns around to find me there, like I'm having some kind of pyschotic delusion that I'm at Boot Camp on Parris Island, and he's about to go all

on me...but he started to laugh too. Because it was just.that.dumb. I begged him not to make me laugh, but to take my camera from me. He agreed, with a caveat. You, ladies and gentlemen, have just read the results of that caveat. 

You're welcome.

*The reason I love this picture? Because the Mr. told me all day "You know that picture of you on the log? That really is a great picture of you. Because it's YOU. It's not posed, it's's goofy, it's funny, (plus you look really hot like that!) It's the best picture of you I've ever taken and it's the best picture I've ever seen. You're really pretty!" Yeah. So, despite it being a result of "The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Done", for that reason, I'm making it my new FB profile picture.

It's also why I'm sure that in another dimension, The Big Bang Theory is reality and MY life is a sitcom.

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